It's been quite a year for me. Those who knew me before I moved to Virginia in 2011 have a hard time recognizing me now. My life (read: mostly work) experiences and personal revelation (something Mormons strongly believe in) were the genesis of a faith transition for me. One in which I gained a different perspective on the relationship between the Church and the Gospel and myself and God, and figured out for myself there's not "One Right Way" to see the Gospel or to be Mormon Woman.
Nine months before I saw the movie Frozen, I moved to Rexburg and felt pretty scared to be myself. I lived in fear of the hostility and rejection that would likely accompany my being myself and sharing my thoughts and feelings. It was an unhappy time for me. I wanted to surround myself in a community of like minded people who never carried the threat of rejection. In such a condition it is easy to hide online and even to enter tunnel vision or an echo chamber . . . . and I was hesitant to find my next steps forward. Last September I felt prompted to share my story blog-style, come out of the Mormon f-word closet and go public. It was incredibly freeing to choose to be vulnerable and authentic (I had started reading A Blog About Love and became pretty converted to it's concepts), it wasn't easy - and yes, I believe it took courage. I knew I was acting on promptings of the Spirit, but I didn't know why.
As I sat in the movie theater watching Frozen the scene that meant the most to me is when she was in her ice castle fighting away her attackers and someone shouts "Don't be the monster they fear you are!"
A light went on for me: everyone has a caricature in the mind of what a "feminist" is. I know it, I grew up listening to Rush Limbaugh calling them Femi-nazis, angry and man hating. I watched Elsa find the only way to bridge the gap of fear, love. I resolved that was my path forward.
So imagine my surprise (and the irony) that the number one piece of advice I get from friends, family, and ward members is to "Let it Go." From an outside perspective I know it may seem like I just can't let things go, that my feminism springs from my inability to heal from infertility. The opposite is actually true, releasing myself from expectations of gender roles and purposes is what lead to the atonement healing the whole thing: the hurt, pain, lack of understanding, and jealousy, the baby hungriness.... All gone. 100% gone. I move forward in an effort to improve systems that hurt my own path and to help and uplift others.
The hardest part is that other people cannot see things from my side: they can't read the texts, comments, notes, and emails I receive from people who have been helped in one way or another by sharing my story. I feel prompted to share and Heavenly Father has found a way to confirm to me that I am helping others. It gets really really old when I continually get people telling me I'm broken and wrong-headed in thought and approach. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm trying to do good - and I have done good. There are thousands of women and men in the church who have some (not all) of the same thoughts and questions that I do, and perhaps they may be in need of love and understanding.
So I have a request, will you help a girl out? I want to craft a blog post of why I share, why I speak. If I have helped you in any way, and if you feel like you can or want to share that with me -- will you fill out the form below with a short comment? I also thought maybe this might help me to gather the messages in one place for me to have when I'm feeling particularly discouraged or crumbly.
Thanks in advance.
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