(this is the updated version of my talk - after being crunched for time and incorporating feedback from others FYI)
Exactly eleven years ago my husband and I sat in the doctor's office as
he told us our test results: unexplained infertility. He said the
chances were less than 1 in 1000 that we would ever be able to have a
child on our own. That Mother’s Day was not a easy day for me. Mother’s
day is the source of pain for a lot of people, and not just the people
who can’t have children; it was a difficult day for my foster kids as
well and I know there are complicated feelings from my relatives whose
mother is serving time in prison. It's even family legend that my
grandmother with seven children came home from every Mother's Day sacrament meeting
locked herself in her bedroom, cried, and wouldn't come out. There are
so many ways for people to hurt on this day.
So I decided I wanted to talk about what I think is the highest and holiest calling we have: discipleship. I wanted to share two
experiences that have helped shape my own path.
Rewind to 2002. It's been six months of waiting for a baby and every
month we buy those pregnancy tests: so excited!!! Just kidding, false
alarm! I'm working as the receptionist at Pres. Bednar's Office on
BYU-Idaho campus. One Tuesday Elder Grow came for devotional and spoke
a little about what a blessing it has been for his family to follow
the prophet and have his wife stay home with the children and not work.
There are MANY working mothers in the admin building that I see every
day on the second floor. I observed as many of these women (some had
to work, single moms etc) turned off the devotional or slammed their
office doors as not to hear the radio, and some blatantly stand there
and criticize his words, i.e. "He has no idea what he's talking about.
Ricks College would shrivel up and die if all of the mothers went to
stay home with their children." etc. I was getting a little riled up
because at this point I would have given my left arm to be able to get
pregnant and stay home with a baby and I literally wanted to stand up
and tell them all, "the guilty taketh the truth to be hard!". I wrote
Pres. Bednar an email and explained the situation and asked him how you
know when you should bite your tongue and how you know when to make a
stand and let people know they are wrong. Thirty minutes after coming
back to the office from devotional Pres. Bednar asks Betty to have me
come in to his office. (Can I just add as a 10-year postscript after
being a SAHM, part-time worker, and full-time working mother -- this
issue is just a little more complex than my 20 yo mind could grasp).
Here I sit, a 20 year-old, lowly receptionist in front of Pres. Bednar.
And I will be grateful until the day I die that he took the time from
his schedule to teach me a little about life. First of all he asked
how long we'd been waiting for a baby. I told him, "Six months." The
man literally laughed in my face and said, "Well first of all maybe you
need to learn some patience!" His son and wife had been trying for
over 3 years, he tells me. One day he was alone with Elder Eyring and
his son's problems had been weighing on him and he asked Elder Eyring
about it. What do you say to the couple who has done everything right,
who has prepared themselves their whole lives for the day when they
can build a family and raise children up unto the Lord, and they remain
childless? Elder Eyring told him that the Lord doesn't send children
for us to teach them, the Lord sends children for them to teach us.
The point of this life is for us to learn how to become like Him.
Sometimes that is accomplished by having children. And sometimes the
Lord determines that is accomplished by NOT having children. Do parents
learn patience, long-suffering, service, and humility from having
children? Yes. Do couples learn the same things from NOT having
children? Yes. So the point is for us to submit our will to the Lord's
to become all that he wants us to be - no matter the path He gives us
to get there.
This lesson in becoming reminds me of one of Elder Oaks’ landmark GC addresses from October 2000 The Challenge to become
The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what
our Heavenly Father desires us to become. In contrast to the
institutions of the world, which teach us to know something, the gospel
of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something.
We qualify for eternal life through a process of conversion. As used
here, this word of many meanings signifies not just a convincing and
knowledge but a profound change of nature.
I have mentioned earlier that I felt I had a faith transition; I had an
answer to prayer that I wasn't supposed to be a mother again and it
shook my foundation pretty hard because I'd always believed the purpose
of womanhood was motherhood. I started rebuilding the foundation of my
faith, and instead of building it on motherhood - I built it on Christ. I
tested that foundation and it was solid, something that would never
change. About this same time I found a excerpt from a book written by an
evangelical woman who wrote about biblical womanhood and it helped me
see a path forward for me:
Proverbs 31 is a well known poem about a housewife: "who can find a
virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies". It goes on to
describe the life of the perfect housewife. For a long time this passage
has been seen as instructions on how to be the ultimate homemaker and a
woman of God. This is understandable; in a culture that often downplays
the significance of a housewife, it makes sense to do all you can to
restore dignity to this thankless position.
Would it surprise you to know that Christian congregations may be
misinterpreting this passage? This poem was originally written in
Hebrew, and Jews have a different understanding of it. An evangelical
woman wrote a book about biblical womanhood and she asked her Jewish
friend about this chapter during her research. Her friend explained [1]:
“[Proverbs 31 is] packed with hyperbolic imagery, the poem is an
acrostic, so the first word of each verse begins with a letter from the
Hebrew alphabet in succession. This communicates a sense of totality as
the poet praises the everyday achievements of an upper-class Jewish
wife, a woman who keeps her household functioning day and night by
buying, trading, investing, planting, sewing, spindling, managing
servants, extending charity, providing food for the family, and
preparing for each season. Like any good poem, the purpose of this one
is to draw attention to the often-overlooked glory of the everyday.”
This woman in Hebrew is described as an “Eshet chayil,” [eshet kile] or woman of valor —
“The only instructive language it contains is directed toward men,
with the admonition that a thankful husband should honor his wife “for
all that her hands have done.” In the Jewish tradition, it is the men
who memorize Proverbs 31, so they know how to honor their wives. But
often it is no longer presented as a song through which a man offers his
wife praise, Proverbs 31 is presented as a task list through which a
woman earns it. (In fact if you search for “Proverbs 31 woman” on amazon
you’ll find dozens of Christian self-help books for women.) The details
of the passage have taken precedent over the message of the passage,
and somehow, through the centuries, we’ve managed to turn a poem into a
job description.”
It isn’t the woman’s household accomplishments that earn her honor and
praise, but her virtues of wisdom and valor. There’s another woman in
the Hebrew bible that is described as an “Eshet chayil.” She was a
foreign immigrant and manual laborer. She was single and barren, and she
was dirt poor. She seems the opposite of the Proverbs 31 woman. Despite
all this, Ruth is described as an “eshet chayil” before becoming the
wealthy, influential wife of Boaz.
Clearly it is not what you do that makes you a woman of God, it is your
character. It is your discipleship. As we all strive to “become” in our
discipleship, I hope we can remember and honor the men and women of
character who have influenced us. I especially hope that today we can
all find a way to honor the “eshet chayil,” the Women of Valor in our
lives who have influenced us.
My mother is an eshet chayil - she’s taught me a lot of valuable things.
She’s taught me that my voice matters, to be brave, and to not care
what other people think. She taught me to challenge myself, have goals,
and do the best I can every day. Above all this, my mother is an example
of discipleship.
I was once at a stake conference where the Stake Pres described parents
as archers and children as arrows. It is the duty of parents to sharpen
their aim (develop their own discipleship) to enable them to point their
children towards the target (Christ). I remember thinking that this
perfectly described my mother. Her aim has always been steady and true
in her path towards bringing her children to Christ. Isn’t this the
ultimate goal of every mother in the Church? To bring others to Christ?
I hope we can all find a way today to honor the "eshet chayil"- women of
valor - in our own lives that have brought us closer to Christ as we
move forward in our own discipleship
[1]
Rachel Held Evans, Women of Valor
